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11
Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: JOKES WRITTEN
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 07, 2017, 11:47:17 PM »

-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Why do cows go to New York?

A: To see the moosicals!


Q: What do you call lending money to a bison?

A: A buff-a-loan!


Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam
*-- More Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.


Q: What's the best parting gift?

A: A comb. 


                     

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during this particularly icy fall. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and
flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was
called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow
decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on
the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 28, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved
ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

                   
Bigger Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Consultants Commandments pt. 2

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Continued


A Cowboy's Guide to Life pt. 3

...

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

Question:
What's the definition of 'honeymoon'?

Answer:
That brief span of time between, "I do," and "You'd better!"




Front Porch

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Ma turned and slapped Pa.

Pa asked, "What was that for?"

Ma answered, "For forty years of bad sex."

Pa said, "Oh, OK."

They continued rocking. Pa then reached over and slapped Ma.

Ma asked, "What was that for?"

Pa answered, "For knowing the difference!"

 

__._,_.___

The Hairdresser School
 
Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair.  To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive, but she found a compromise solution.
 
She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost. It was a big mistake. Her hair was badly burned during the pressing procedure and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage.
 
Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her friends. Something just snapped within her and she swore revenge.
 
She began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
 
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea.
 
"No big deal," she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."
 
"And what signboard is that?" the interrogator asked.
 
"Just like the one outside this building," she said. "Tress pressers will be prostituted."

 

__._,_.___
12
Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: JOKES WRITTEN
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 07, 2017, 11:45:26 PM »
Witness

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"


 

__._,_.___


Emergency Room

A nurse was assisting an ER doctor with an unruly patient. The patient needed only a few stitches, but would not cooperate, insisting that he could take care of himself. The doctor threw up her hands in exasperation and left the room.

The patient yelled at the nurse, "I can take care of it! Just give me the needle!"

The nurse answered, "Fine. Suture self."



__._,_.___


Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars for the employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

         LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
      WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)




__._,_.___

Revival

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"


__._,_.___
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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: ASSORTED GIFS
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 07, 2017, 11:24:23 PM »




















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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: BEAUTY
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 07, 2017, 11:17:45 PM »




















































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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: FUNNY PICS
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 07, 2017, 11:10:02 PM »


















































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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: FUNNY PICS
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 05, 2017, 01:35:04 AM »


















































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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: FUNNY PICS
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on September 01, 2017, 11:03:35 PM »


















































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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: FUNNY PICS
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on August 31, 2017, 02:24:29 AM »




















































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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: BEAUTY
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on August 30, 2017, 02:46:06 AM »




















































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Jokes - Funny & Beautiful Pictures / Re: FUNNY PICS
« Last post by admin@lepercq2002.com on August 30, 2017, 02:40:02 AM »




















































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