Author Topic: JOKES WRITTEN  (Read 189311 times)


« on: May 27, 2016, 01:39:18 AM »
I am the Boss

This man was talking to a group of men at the office and he said,"In
my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done, when the
cooking is done and when the dishes are washed."

One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"

The man says, "Oh, I'm not married!"

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.


 The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth. The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and the shocked child protested that George Washington had not been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!" ---------------

That story inspired the Outhouse Races on Lakeelse Lake in northern BC in the 60's and early 70s. It seems the people living there now are not as adventurous as we used to be. Instead of paddling a 4 foot x 4 foot ( 1.2 m x 1.2 m ) raft with a 6 foot high outhouse on it across the lake, they now have a wine tasting party and raffle off a boat.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas
gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, �And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:
� Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious.. Thank you so much."

Love, Mom


Some Entertainment

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.  But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And he grows to a full 12 inches.
So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him!”


Nerd Alert

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician/physicist goes to a bar. He sits in the second-to-last seat and turns to the last seat, (which is always empty) and asks a girl (who isn't there) if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, shrugs but keeps quiet. However, when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, and his curiosity gets the better of the bartender. He says, "I apologize if this strikes you as a stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out someone who's not even there?"
The university nerd replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will implode and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes."
The nerd laughs. "Yeah, right—like THAT could happen!"



A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

"Speak!" she said to the dog.

The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"



Trying to sell ads for my high-school yearbook, I approached my father, who owned a house-painting business with my two brothers. My father agreed to purchase an ad and said I should ask my brother Jack to write it.

"We're too busy now!" Jack protested. "With an ad, we'll just get more work."

"Jack," I replied, "Dad said you have to write the ad."

The next morning, Jack handed me his copy. It read, "John J. Palmer & Sons, Painting Contractors. For easy work, call the sons. If it's hard, call Pop."




« Last Edit: May 27, 2016, 12:51:02 PM by Cyales »


« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2016, 07:00:28 PM »
older men


« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2016, 07:03:12 PM »
A Golf Story:

   John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
  So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
  ‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
  'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
  The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
  He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
  ‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn 
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
  'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
  'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
  Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?'
  ‘She just died and left me everything.


« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2016, 07:37:46 PM »

Two Old Men

Dwayne asked Lonnie, "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?"

Lonnie replied, "I think you mean salt peter.”

Dwayne nodded his head and said, "Yep, that's the stuff. I think it's beginning to work!"



A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.  "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it. You'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."


Birthday Gift

On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister.  Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup.

"Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"
My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box.
As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box.  Just look at all those lures."



After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.  Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.  He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny, and he was sure he was going to die.  No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.  Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!"



After many interruptions from her young son, a woman trying to choose
a greeting card tried to get a moment to finalize her selection.

She said, "I do not want to hear the word 'Mom' for five minutes."

Seconds later, the boy tugged her skirt and said, "Excuse me, lady."

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

All this talk about death by chocolate, yet chocolate still roams free.


 Home for Dinner

John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they
arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.



« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2016, 08:16:36 PM »
Reasons Airplanes Are Easier To Live With Than Women

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"

4) Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.


Out of Breath

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath, so Dewey, his best friend, asks, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Ray says, "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."

Dewey then asked, "What the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"That's not against the law," said Dewey,
"That's what I thought," said Ray, "but those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was."



How teachers/professors grade final exams:

Dept of Statistics: All grades are fitted to a normal curve.

Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Theology: Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.

Dept of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Dept of Music: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – is sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.

Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.


Three Nurses

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"


« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2016, 11:44:35 PM »
Murphy's Technology Laws

You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn
fool discovers something which either abolishes the
system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they
do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely
with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it
electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and
the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a

We don't know one millionth of one percent about

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20
men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a
crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting
in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't
know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for
the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is
obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts
which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable. Any system which depends on human
reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that
might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds
that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-
sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The
correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one
to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least
accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool
will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.


« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2016, 11:57:20 PM »
 Little Johnny meets Trump

 Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and
visited a grade four class.  They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. >>
>> The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the
discussion on >> the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious
Republican candidate asked the class for an >> example of a
'tragedy'. >> One little boy stood up and offered: "If my
best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a
tragedy." >> "No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
>> A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying
50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would
be a tragedy." >> "I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's
what we would call great loss." >> The room went silent.  No
other child volunteered.  Trump searched the room. >> "Isn't
there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
>> Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his
hand.  The teacher held her breath. >> In a quiet voice he
said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly
fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy." >> "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right.
And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" >> "Well,"
says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss.... and you can bet your sweet
ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" >> The teacher left
the room.. >>


« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2016, 11:57:56 PM »
Be a Kid Again
- Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.

- Grow a milk mustache.

- Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.

- Have a staring contest with your cat.

- Kiss a frog just in case.

- Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no."

- Ask "Why?" a lot.

- Believe in fairy tales.

- Have someone read you a story.

- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.

- Do a cartwheel.

- Hide your vegetables under your napkin.

- Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.

- Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap.

- Find some pretty stones and save them.

- Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow.

- Walk barefoot in wet grass.

- Giggle at nude statues in a museum.

- Make cool screeching noises every time you turn.

- Count the colors in a rainbow.

- Fuss a little, then take a nap.

- Take a running jump over a big puddle.

- Giggle a lot for no real reason.

- Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on- their-opposite-side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's- there thing.

- Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories!)

- Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise.

- Squish some mud between your toes.

- Buy yourself a helium balloon.

- Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people.

Be a kid again...


« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2016, 11:58:23 PM »
 Lovely Girl

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the Major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car
around," he ordered.

The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it
the girl had vanished.

"Driver," said the Major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."

"I thought I did pretty well, sir," the driver said. "That was my girlfriend."

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

I had amnesia once ... maybe twice.


« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2016, 11:59:37 PM »

The Queen of the Barbed One-liners

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat."

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, "Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, "I don’t believe it."

California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.

The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, "He's flashing! He's flashing!" In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.

Stevie Wonder, that poor son of a bitch. Who's going to tell him he's wearing a macramé plant holder on his head?

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.

Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.

I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here." I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women.

The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

The most beautiful women in the world are always the dumbest. The most beautiful woman in the whole world, Bo Derek … This woman is an idiot. She studies for her Pap test.

I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We'd go out for drinks, he'd go, "Bottoms up."

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked.

Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... He should have been there when it was conceived.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2016, 12:00:12 AM »
Why men are so honest.

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -



« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2016, 12:01:12 AM »
Newspaper Headlines

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
In some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
Sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died


« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2016, 01:57:13 PM »
Three Men

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.  One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.  "I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"  And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"


« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2016, 01:57:36 PM »

My Wife's Doctor

My wife's doctor wanted to wean her off antidepressants.  "What would happen if you stopped taking them?" he asked.

"To me nothing," she said.  "But all of a sudden, my husband becomes a real jerk."


« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2016, 01:58:11 PM »

Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.