Author Topic: JOKES WRITTEN  (Read 185641 times)


« Reply #120 on: May 13, 2017, 11:43:19 PM »

New Slogans for United Airlines

We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

Our prices can’t be beaten...but our passengers can.

We put the hospital in hospitality.

We beat our passengers, not the competition.

We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really.

Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.

And you thought legroom was an issue.

If our staff need a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet.


We treat you like we treat your luggage.

Fight or flight.

You may have patients, but we don’t have patience.

We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.

Now serving free punch.



« Reply #121 on: May 13, 2017, 11:45:47 PM »
A Woman's Random Thoughts

- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

- One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

- Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

- A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

- They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

- My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

- I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!


« Reply #122 on: May 13, 2017, 11:47:05 PM »
What my mother taught me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -
I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't clean up your act,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you will have kids,
And I hope they turn out just like YOU..
THEN you'll see what it's like."

"You better pray that will come out of that carpet!"

"Because I said so, that's why!"

"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

"It looks like a tornado went through your room!"

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would
You listen then?"

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't

"Stop acting like your father!"

And most of all.....
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"



« Reply #123 on: May 13, 2017, 11:49:16 PM »

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to     accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again   .   

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

 I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.

 I want to believe that anything is possible
 I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

 I want to live simple again.

 I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
Mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

                          I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

                          So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

                          And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........

                          ....."Tag! You're it."

                          Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the Simple Things in Life.



« Reply #124 on: September 07, 2017, 11:45:26 PM »

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"



Emergency Room

A nurse was assisting an ER doctor with an unruly patient. The patient needed only a few stitches, but would not cooperate, insisting that he could take care of himself. The doctor threw up her hands in exasperation and left the room.

The patient yelled at the nurse, "I can take care of it! Just give me the needle!"

The nurse answered, "Fine. Suture self."


Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars for the employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:


(Get your manager's permission before attending)



After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"



« Reply #125 on: September 07, 2017, 11:47:17 PM »

-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Why do cows go to New York?

A: To see the moosicals!

Q: What do you call lending money to a bison?

A: A buff-a-loan!

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam
*-- More Q and A Quickies --*
Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.

Q: What's the best parting gift?

A: A comb. 


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during this particularly icy fall. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and
flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was
called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow
decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on
the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 28, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved
ones.  I've just arrived and have been checked in.  I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Bigger Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Consultants Commandments pt. 2

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


A Cowboy's Guide to Life pt. 3


Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

What's the definition of 'honeymoon'?

That brief span of time between, "I do," and "You'd better!"

Front Porch

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Ma turned and slapped Pa.

Pa asked, "What was that for?"

Ma answered, "For forty years of bad sex."

Pa said, "Oh, OK."

They continued rocking. Pa then reached over and slapped Ma.

Ma asked, "What was that for?"

Pa answered, "For knowing the difference!"



The Hairdresser School
Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair.  To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive, but she found a compromise solution.
She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost. It was a big mistake. Her hair was badly burned during the pressing procedure and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage.
Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her friends. Something just snapped within her and she swore revenge.
She began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea.
"No big deal," she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."
"And what signboard is that?" the interrogator asked.
"Just like the one outside this building," she said. "Tress pressers will be prostituted."




« Reply #126 on: September 07, 2017, 11:50:05 PM »

- Indecision is the key to flexibility.

- If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

- You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

- Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

- This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.

- There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

- The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.

- The world gets a little better every day,  and worse in the evening.

- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

- The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.

- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

- Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

- To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

- Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

- If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

- One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

- Happiness is good health and a bad memory.



As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off. My seven-year-old grandson was awed.

“Wow!” yelled Casey. “This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people.”

Hard as a Rock
Mike woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook Carol by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, Carol replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."



Anxious Firefly

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods.

"All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered.

"Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother.

"Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow!"


Thoughts on Aging

- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

- Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.


Lost Dog

Mark loses his rare and valuable dog and advertises in the newspaper offering a very generous $1,000 reward for its return. After a few days of no replies, he goes to the newspaper for some information. He says to the receptionist, "I'd like to see Jim, the advertising manager, please."

"I'm sorry sir, but he's out," says the receptionist.

"Ok, so how about his secretary?"

"She's out too sir. In fact everyone from his department is out."

"Oh dear me," says Mark. "Where is everybody?"

"They're all out looking for your dog."


Stand in the Corner

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


Camping Tips

- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.


I've Discovered

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do... and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1.   I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2.   My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3.   I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4.   Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5.   Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6.   If all is not lost, where is it?

7.   It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8.   Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9.   I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're  everywhere.

17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Everyone that wanders is not lost.