Author Topic: JOKES WRITTEN  (Read 185665 times)


« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2016, 01:58:34 PM »

Into the Rough

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"


« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2016, 01:59:06 PM »
Lunch at the Diner

While on vacation, my wife and I stopped for lunch at a diner. We sat
at the counter, right next to the grill. The cook was a young man who
was very busy flipping pancakes.

Every so often, he would stop and hit the grill with the handle of
the spatula. Finally I asked him facetiously, "Does that improve the
taste of the pancakes?"

"No," he replied, "That keeps the handle from falling off."

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?


« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2016, 03:39:59 AM »
 Paraprosdokian Sentence

> Some very funny observations...
> A paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and "expectation") is a
> figure
> of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising
> or
> unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or
> reinterpret the first part.
> It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing
> an anticlimax.  For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians
> and
> satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early
> phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating
> a
> syllepsis.
> I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
> bike and asked for forgiveness.
> Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
> you
> with experience.
> I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming
> and yelling like the passengers in his car.
> Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
> garage makes you a car.
> The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.
> Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright
> until you hear them speak.
> If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
> We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
> War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
> Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
> fruit salad.
> The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
> Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to
> tell you why it isn't.
> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is
> research.
> A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train
> stops.
> On my desk, I have a work station.
> How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
> box to start a campfire?
> Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you
> can't
> help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
> Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
> people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
> I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
> A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
> don't
> need it.
> Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says 'In case of an
> emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
> I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it... so I said
> "Implants?"
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
> but
> check when you say the paint is wet?
> Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
> a
> bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
> Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50
> for
> Miss America ?
> Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful
> man is usually another woman.
> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to
> skydive twice.
> The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
> Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.
> A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
> you
> will look forward to the trip.
> Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
> wish
> they were.
> Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
> I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
> great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
> Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.
> There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
> can't
> get away.
> I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.
> I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot
> of tequila.
> When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
> usually uses water.
> You're never too old to learn something stupid.
> To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
> the
> target.
> Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
> Some people hear voices.  Some see invisible people.  Others have no
> imagination whatsoever.
> A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
> you
> are in it.
> If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have
> more than one child?
> Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



« Reply #18 on: June 05, 2016, 03:41:07 AM »
PUNS 06-03-16

A woman could no longer trust
Her domestic to vacuum or dust.
Yet she did come in handy;
When hubby was randy,
The maid took good care of his lust.
 (Madeleine Begun Kane) 

The difference between a seagull and a diaperless baby is a seagull flits along the shore. (James Ertner) 

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

While I was in law school, I did some legal work for my boyfriend. He was broke, so he paid me in sex. Now I'm having trouble finding a job and I don't understand why. Don't law firms usually prefer that you have experience working pro-boner? (Sandra Hull) 

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.  I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately. (Kim Moser) 

Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday." Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

Relative humidity: The moisture between two people having sex in Arkansas.

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

I left my Viagra tablet in my shirt pocket when I sent it to the laundry. Now, my shirt is too stiff to wear.

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me." 

The typical man's view of safe sex is a padded headboard.

A cannibal's not very tall,
But he'll eat a man's hair, bones and all.
As the chief ate his stew,
Said, "Don't know about you,
But for me, I'm just having a ball."


Harold is 95 and lives in the Buena Vista Senior Citizens Home. 

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

 They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.  After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why, you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I guess I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips Harold's trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred went looking for Harold, wanting to make sure he was okay. 

She walked all over Buena Vista until she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."


Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a f^ck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My c^nt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pr^ck!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're f^cking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his f^cking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her c^nt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that f^cking great big d^ck."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My c^nt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their c^cks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking
When you next buy 7-UP!


« Reply #19 on: June 05, 2016, 03:41:55 AM »
Two-Week Vacation

After a two-week vacation, a man returned to his office and one of
his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he'd had.

"I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our
house," he groaned.

"Does she do that often?"

"Well," he replied, "when we moved in a few years ago, the guest room
was nine by twelve. Now it's eight by eleven!"

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

Politicians are people who, when they see the light
at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.



« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2016, 01:33:20 PM »
Wife is a Pearl

"You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble," asked Bill.

"Domestic trouble."

"But you're always bragging that your wife is a pearl," says Bill.

"She really is," replies Fred.  "It's the mother-of-pearl that's giving me trouble!"


« Reply #21 on: June 09, 2016, 01:33:52 PM »
Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he's wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff's desk and says to the sheriff, 'I'm here to be a deputy.'

The sheriff laughs and says, 'Well let's see if you're qualified, son.' The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer.

The sheriff says, 'Close enough.'

The sheriff then asks him, 'What are two days of the week that begin with 'T'?'

'Today and tomorrow,' says the hillbilly.

'Not what I was looking for but I'll give it to ya,' says the sheriff.

'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' the sheriff asks.

The hillbilly just stands there with a blank look on his face.

'Why don't you go home, think about it and come back tomorrow,' the sheriff says to the hillbilly.

So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, 'So sweetpea, did you get the job?'

'I think so, they've already put me on a murder case.'


« Reply #22 on: June 09, 2016, 01:34:26 PM »

The Virus

My best friend, Chuck, purchased a new portable computer for his job. He travels a lot, and needs to have all the important information at his fingertips.

Unfortunately, when installing all the software, an insidious new computer virus was also installed. This new virus randomly inserted profanity and scatological references into his printed copy, but didn't display them on the screen.

Since Chuck trusted his Spell Checker software, he never proofread his copy, and in short order he'd insulted most of his friends and all of his business associates.

When one of his more outspoken friends finally brought the situation to his attention, Chuck was very humiliated and became extremely depressed. He then developed an irrational desire to punish his computer, and he tried several methods to punish his computer for the grief it had brought him.

First, he attempted to cause corrosion of the power supply terminals by sprinkling them with sodium and calcium chloride from highway deicing barrels.

Next, he scraped away the solder joints from the board.

Finally he threw the whole system out the eighth-floor window of his hotel.

Poor Chuck's actions were reported to the Computer Protection Services. The next morning, he was arrested and charged with a salted battery, breach of contacts, and making an obscene clone fall.


« Reply #23 on: June 09, 2016, 01:34:57 PM »

Walt lived in a block of flats which had a large, dark cellar. His four-year-old daughter Samantha and other kids who lived in the block liked playing down there, much to the worry of their parents. Finally the parents had a meeting and decided that they would all speak to their children, warning them of the dangers of playing down in the cellar.

A few weeks later, Walt was chatting with a neighbor and they proudly told each other that their respective offspring had stopped playing down in the cellar. "How did you stop your kid?" the neighbor asked.

"Well," said Walt, "I told Samantha that her mummy and I were very worried about her playing down the cellar. It's very dark and dangerous. The stairs are old and steep and slippery and she could lose her step, fall and badly hurt herself. There's broken glass all over the floor, and old crates that she could bump into and bruise herself. I said she's a grown-up little girl now and it would be irresponsible to go playing down there. And what did you tell your Jim?"

The neighbor replied, "I said, Jim, if you go down that cellar one more time, the little green goblin is going to come and cut your pecker off!"


« Reply #24 on: June 09, 2016, 01:39:20 PM »
The Coach

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,  Curse, attack the umpire,
or call him an asshole.   Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,  it's not a dumb
ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother.


« Reply #25 on: June 09, 2016, 01:41:02 PM »

The Queen of the Barbed One-liners

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat."

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, "Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, "The man goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, "I don’t believe it."

California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.

The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, "He's flashing! He's flashing!" In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.

Stevie Wonder, that poor son of a bitch. Who's going to tell him he's wearing a macramé plant holder on his head?

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.

Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.

I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here." I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women.

The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

The most beautiful women in the world are always the dumbest. The most beautiful woman in the whole world, Bo Derek … This woman is an idiot. She studies for her Pap test.

I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We'd go out for drinks, he'd go, "Bottoms up."

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked.

Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... He should have been there when it was conceived.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


« Reply #26 on: June 09, 2016, 01:41:36 PM »
Thoughtful Gift

Jim asked Tony if he'd gotten his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

Tony said, "Yes I did. I bought her a bag and a belt."

Jim was shocked, "Really? That was very kind of you. I'm sure she
will appreciate those."

Tony replied, "I hope she appreciates them too and I hope the vacuum
cleaner works a lot better now."

(Note: Tony should be out of ICU any day now.)

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

A hug is a great gift ... one size fits all.


« Reply #27 on: June 09, 2016, 01:42:59 PM »
Blame The Computer!!
Q:  What is a computer’s first sign of old age?
A:  Loss of memory.
Q:  What does a baby computer call his father?
A:  Data.
Q:  What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard?
A:  The space bar.
Q:  What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
A:  It slipped a disk.
Q:  Why was there a bug in the computer?
A:  It was looking for a byte to eat.
Q:  What is a computer virus?
A:  A terminal illness.
Q:  How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
A:  He clicked on an icon and opened a window.


« Reply #28 on: June 09, 2016, 01:44:08 PM »
Top 12 Signs Your Soda Contains Viagggra

12 - Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."

11 - Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.

10 - As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans un-crushing themselves.

9 - Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision -- oh wait, that's just regular ol' Diet Mountain Dew.

8 - When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.

7 - New surprisingly-graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.

6 - New meaning given to the term "soda jerk"!

5 - The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola, and the Rockettes.

4 - The gal taking your order at McDonald's remarks -- "Oh, it'll be supersized, alright!"

3 - When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes all Don King.

2 - In the blind taste test, it's pretty obvious which one guys prefer.

And the SUREST SIGN that soda contains VIAGGGRA....

1 - You catch your wife pouring it on your corn flakes!


« Reply #29 on: June 09, 2016, 01:46:11 PM »

 A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled another valuable program, Romance 9.5.
And then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
What can I do?
Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2.
Then it will automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Also DO NOT disturb the original package of Husband 1.0.... Otherwise new virus Girlfried 2.5 automatically downloaded into your system. So be careful.
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!