Author Topic: JOKES WRITTEN  (Read 185637 times)


« Reply #30 on: June 09, 2016, 01:46:48 PM »
Mae West Quotes

- A hard man is good to find.

- A man in the house is worth two in the street.

- An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

- Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up.

- Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

- Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

- Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

- He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

- His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.

- I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

- I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

- I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

- I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

- I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

- I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

- I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men?

- I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

- I speak two languages - Body and English.


« Reply #31 on: June 09, 2016, 01:47:59 PM »
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting- Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have oxygen ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.
9. Don't even think about trying it twice.
10. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!


« Reply #32 on: June 09, 2016, 01:59:33 PM »
Dear Dorothy Dix ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    Dear Dorothy,

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.
    What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
    Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
    All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.  He is obsessed with sex - why some say he'd even screw a snake.  Others would say he'd screw a rock pile if he thought a snake was in it.
    Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
   What should I do?



    Dear Confused:

    Grow up and dump him.
    You don't need him anymore!
    Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!


« Reply #33 on: June 09, 2016, 02:00:33 PM »

Truck For Sale !!!
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well, ' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her  name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.'
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'
(Are women good or what?)


« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2016, 02:03:44 PM »

Cum Drop Soup - Fresh Every 27 days
Pee Yu Platter - Clothes Pins Extra
Hoo Flung Poo - Napkins & Raincoats Provided
Yung Poon Tank - No Take Out Orders Accepted

1. Sum Yung Chick - Different and Delicious
2. Won Hung Lo - Chinese Meatballs
3. Sum Dum Fuc - Same as #1 But With Extra Sauce
4. Chu Sum Twat - Dinner For Parties Of 3 Or More
5. Suc Mi Pork - Chef's Special
6. Fuc Yu Man - Specialty Of The House

DINNER COMBINATIONS (Includes Smeg Roll and Fortune Nookies)
1. Goo In Hand - For Those Dining Alone
2. Goo Wee Chick - Sloppy Seconds - No Extra Charge
3. Cum Tu Soon - Order Early - These Go Fast
4. Suc Mi Wang - Traditional Chinese Meatloaf
5. Sum Dum Chick - You Get What You Pay For
6. Fuc Mei Slo - Not Available After 10pm
7. Lik Mi Clit - A Delicious Lip Smacking Delicacy
8. Cho Kon It - Not For The Light Throated
9. Fuc Sum Now - For Those In A Hurry
10. Wai Tu Yung - Not Available On School Nights
11. Tung Sum Chick - A Taste Bud Tingler
12. Sum Gulp Cum - Lo-Cal Diet Special


The blind date hadn't been all that great and Mary was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"


A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded moment.

"Young man," she demanded icily, "don't you know it's bad matters to scratch your balls before others?"

He stammered around for a few minutes, then asked, "What am I supposed to do, offer to scratch yours first?"


« Reply #35 on: June 12, 2016, 09:00:29 PM »
ADULT PUNS 06-12-16

A cannibal's not very tall,
But he'll eat a man's hair, bones and all.
As the chief ate his stew,
Said, "Don't know about you,
But for me, I'm just having a ball."

The difference between mayonnaise and semen is mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

A blonde I know who has had a successful career as a dancer, She doesn't dance very well on her left leg and she didn't dance any better on her right leg. But between the two of them she makes a very good living.

I hate sex in movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.

"At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

Masturbation is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands.

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Joining a nudist colony saved our marriage. Once there, we learned to air our differences.

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders. The blonde then responds, "How do you give shoulders?"

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking. The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely." The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

My old girlfriend came over last night. One thing led to another and before long my mouth was back between her thighs doing that thing she loves so much. She doesn't want to get back together, but that's cool. At least I was the first on my block to get an ex-box. (J.J. Gertler)

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. It then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

The scientist wrote many theses
On cloning unusual species.
What challenged the most
Was the right-wing talk host;
For that one, you’d have to use feces.
 (Dave Johnson) 


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."


One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murphy finally makes his first hole-in-one.

Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him. T

he leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."

The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer."

"Done" says the leprechaun.

By the 14th hole the Murph can tell something is happening.

By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.

By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.

By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.

By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.

After completing his  round the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.

The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the leprechaun back.

The Irishman takes 2 buckets of range balls to 13 and begins hitting.

After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.

The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.

The leprechaun says,  "For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."

The Irishman replies,"Can ye' make me legs a wee bit longer."


« Reply #36 on: June 12, 2016, 09:01:06 PM »

One Day at the Circus

One day, he was working in the center ring and suddenly jumped up, took a flying swing around the central mast, flung himself up to the trapeze, did a couple of flips in the air, caught himself on a hanging rope, flips to the ground, and lands on his butt in the middle of the sawdust.
The circus owner rushes up to him: "That was amazing, Maury; I've never seen anything like it. You've been working for me for 4 years, and you never said anything about your acrobatic talents. I'll get me another carpenter, and you can have center ring with that act. Just name your price, and it's yours!"
"Not on your life," said Maury. "Don't think for a minute that every night, no matter how much money, that I'm going to hit myself in the nuts with a hammer!"


« Reply #37 on: June 12, 2016, 09:01:29 PM »

Patent Office
I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said, "what do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.


« Reply #38 on: June 12, 2016, 09:01:52 PM »

Serve and Protect

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me. "Well, Officer," one of them said, "Congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."



« Reply #39 on: June 12, 2016, 09:02:53 PM »
*Beautiful letter written by a father to his son and daughter*��

*Make sure  your children read it too.*

Following is a letter to his daughter from a renowned Hong Kong TV Broadcaster and Child Psychologist.
The words are actually applicable to all of us, young or old, children or parents.!
This applies to all sons daughters too.

All parents can use this in their teachings to their children.

Dear daughter,

I am writing this to you because of 3 reasons..._

1. Life, fortune and mishaps are unpredictable, nobody knows how long he lives._
2. I am your father, and if I don't tell you these, no one else will._

3. Whatever written is my own personal bitter experiences that perhaps could save you a lot of unnecessary heartaches._

*Remember the following as you go through life.*_

_1. Do not bear grudge towards those who are not good to you. No one has the responsibility of treating you well, except your mother and I._

To those who are good to you, you have to treasure it and be thankful, and ALSO you have to be cautious, because, everyone has a motive for every move. When a person is good to you, it does not mean he really will be good to you. You have to be careful, don't hastily regard him as a real friend._

2. No one is indispensable, nothing is in the world that you must possess.

_Once you understand this idea, it would be easier for you to go through life when people around you don't want you anymore, or when you lose what you wanted the most.

3. Life is short._
_When you waste your life today, tomorrow you would find that life is leaving you. The earlier you treasure your life, the better you enjoy life.

4. Love is nothing but a transient feeling, and this feeling would fade with time and with one's mood. If your so called loved one leaves you, be patient, time will wash away your aches and sadness.

Don't over exaggerate the beauty and sweetness of love, and don't over exaggerate the sadness of falling out of love.

5. A lot of successful people did not receive a good education, that does not mean that you can be successful by not studying hard! Whatever knowledge you gain is your weapon in life.

One can go from rags to riches, but one has to start from some rags !

6. I do not expect you to financially support me when I am old, neither  would I financially support your whole life. My responsibility as a supporter ends when you are grown up. After that, you decide whether  you want to travel in a public transport or in your limousine, whether rich or poor.

7. You honour your words, but don't expect others to be so. You can be good to people, but don't expect people to be good to you. If you don't understand this, you would end up with unnecessary troubles.

8. I have bought lotteries for umpteen years , but could never strike any prize. That shows if you want to be rich, you have to work hard! There is no free lunch !

9. No matter how much time I have with you, let's treasure the time we have together. We do not know if we would meet again in our next life.

                 _Your Parents_
                         _X Y Z_

*Read it twice*

*Ask your son and daughter to read it thrice.*

*Worth a read.*


« Reply #40 on: June 12, 2016, 09:03:28 PM »

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

? Venison for dinner, again? Oh, deer!

? A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

? I used to be a banker, but, then, I lost interest.

? Haunted French pancakes give me the cr?pes.

? England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

? I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

? They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

? I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing, now.

? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst!

? I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop, any time.

? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and, then, it dawned on me.

? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

? When chemists die, they barium.

? I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

? I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

? Why were the Indians here, first? Because, they had reservations.

? I didn't like my beard, at first. Then, it grew on me.

? Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

? Broken pencils are pointless.

? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

? All the toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

? I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

? Velcro - what a rip off!

? Don?t worry about old age; it doesn?t last.



« Reply #41 on: June 12, 2016, 09:04:09 PM »

                                An old nun

                                who was living in a convent next to a construction site

                                noticed the coarse language of the workers

                                and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

                                She decided she would take her lunch;

                                sit with the workers; and talk with them.

                                She put her sandwich in a brown bag and

                                walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

                                Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:

                                "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

                                They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.

                                One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

                                "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

                                One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

                                The worker yelled back,

                                "Cause his wife's here with his lunch"


« Reply #42 on: June 12, 2016, 09:05:10 PM »

 Car Auction

The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity.
Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the
block was a No Starter.

It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front
bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and
dings and dents all over the body.

Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's
year, make and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please
note - the radio does not work."

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much
happier than the people who have to wait for them.



« Reply #43 on: June 12, 2016, 09:06:09 PM »

A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic"... Suddenly she burst out crying.

"But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language -- things
I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful four-letter words!
You've got to take me home!!


"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down!
You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, Mama..., he used words like:

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.


« Reply #44 on: June 12, 2016, 09:06:54 PM »

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
Church services when she was startled by an intruder.  She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop!  Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.)  The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why
did you just stand there?  All the old lady did was yelling a scripture to

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.  "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"